On projection
Whenever two people meet, there are really six people present. There is each man as he sees himself, each man as the other person sees him, and each man as he really is. -William James, psychologist and philosopher (1842-1910)
So true. It’s impossible not to project, both inwardly and outwardly, as we are always essentially subjective, and looking at the world through our own little window. So what hope is there for cool objectivity, genuine fairness in relating, and true mastery of situations? Is it illusory to think we might be able to perceive ourselves or others with any accuracy? I think we can, but it takes skill and application.
Over time, we can learn to observe our own projections and thus render them less toxic. We can become aware of what we tend to project outwards, and what we tend to see. We can also become aware of the effects on us of projections from others: negative, ego-crushing and positive, ego-boosting projections are both equally disruptive to true perception.
One way of speeding up this process is by living in another culture, because perceptions are often culture-based. In the confidence/shyness spectrum, in California I was sometimes seen as shy and reserved, and people tended to try to bolster my self-confidence; in Britain I’ve been more often seen as outspoken and highly confident. These are culturally-relative and culture-driven projections, and the bias of people’s opinions is derived from their cultural window. Living in various cultures has helped me detach from others’ projections onto me, and to understand my own nature and predisposition with more objectivity.
In terms of our projections onto others, knowing our weak spots in perception really helps. We all have certain polarities we tend to focus on — some zoom in on the kind/cruel axis, others on intelligent/stupid, or competent/incompetent, for example. Watch yourself for a week or so and observe how you think of others and what this has to say about where you fixate in perception. Whatever territory shows up is the area in which you have least objectivity, and can least trust your perceptions. And those perceptions won’t be held generously enough to lead you to genuine understanding. You might label someone flaky or mean when really there is something else going on entirely. Maybe that man you think of as unkind is not unkind but gruff: in truth he is afraid and his gruffness is his shield. Maybe the woman you think of as ditzy is simply overwhelmed by too much responsibility. Maybe you see unkindness or incompetence because those were the “sins” in your family, the accusations thrown across dining tables and in the car on long journeys. Maybe you see them because that’s what the individual themselves is projecting.
The relief we get from both seeing ourselves with greater clarity and withdrawing our projections onto others is palpable. It translates into genuine relaxation, deep within. Then we are capable of meeting the world from a place of authenticity. We develop immunity to the slingshots of negative projection and the swampy, ego-inflating mire of positive projection. We become less sticky and more fluid. We have greater capacity to meet each moment with full attention: with immediacy, energy, and clarity. And to move onto the next moment without dangling threads from the past tangling around our feet. This is work worth doing.
