This article was commissioned by and published in Good Housekeeping magazine in November 2008. It covers three main areas of dating in midlife: finding a date, reading the signs, and moving on from dates and relationships that don’t work out. There’s a PS at the end with an update of my current (February 2010) thoughts on finding a new relationship after 40, or 50 or 60 for that matter.

Finding a Date

The first place to look for a date is in your existing circle of acquaintances. Is there anyone suitable around who you haven’t had the opportunity or the courage to ask out? Women don’t have to wait for men to do the asking any more, and these days men can be reticent about taking casual friendship to the dating level because they don’t want to cause offence. If you feel warmly towards someone and think the attraction might be mutual, then go for it!

If there’s no one in your life you could imagine dating, the next step is to go on the internet. Look at some dating web sites and see which ones appeal to you. Pros of this method are that you can start the process from the comfort of your own home, it’s relatively cheap, you can control the pace at which new connections develop, and through email you can get to know a bit about someone before the first date. Cons are that people don’t always tell the truth about themselves online, and you have to be cautious about getting too involved before meeting up. It’s all too easy to project your dream partner onto a picture and a profile on the net, and waste time in fantasies that are dashed when you meet face-to-face.

Then there are newspaper ads with phone messages, which have the advantage that you hear the person’s voice straight away, and can leave a message yourself. This speeds things up, but the downside is that you don’t have as much information as you get with a good profile on the web, and you haven’t seen a photo. So ask your prospective date to send a photo through email before arranging a meeting (you can set up a separate email account for this if you don’t want them to know your usual one).

If you are very shy and find the whole idea of dating terrifying, or have tried the internet and newspaper ads without success, then an introduction agency may be your best bet. Here the agent, if good, will hold your hand, find people you have plenty in common with, and help you set up dates. It’s expensive but can save you a lot of time and effort.

Reading the Signs

After many years in a long term relationship, being back in the dating game can be daunting and confusing. How do you know if this person really likes you? And how do you really feel about them? Allow a bit of time for impressions to sink in. You don’t have to commit to a second date while in the midst of the first one. Go away and think about it, and encourage them to do the same.

If you’re looking for a real relationship then you want something that is mutual. This doesn’t have to be forced or manipulated in any way. So ask yourself after the date, was there a genuine connection? Did you have a moment of deep eye contact? Did you find yourself laughing unexpectedly, feeling happy for no apparent reason? Do you want to get to know this person better?

If you do, the chances are they do too. So speak up! The proactive dating scene encourages honesty and openness by its very nature. After all, you had to be open and straightforward just to put up your profile or answer someone’s ad.

If they haven’t contacted you yet, and you feel there was a real connection, be brave! Call and say, “I had a really nice time and I would like to see you again. Do you feel the same way?” If they sound reluctant, then let it go, and move on. But more likely, they will be relieved you’ve been open about your feelings, and the relationship can now begin to deepen.

If it doesn’t work out

If you’ve been dating someone for a few weeks or months and it hasn’t worked out, how do you pick yourself up and start again? Most of us have failed romances along the way – it’s rare to meet a new long term love the moment you start dating, and these apparent failures can be great learning experiences and part of your overall journey towards creating a relationship that really works.

First of all, deal with what has just happened by taking a little time to think about it. Were there signs at the beginning that you didn’t pay attention to? Were there fundamental incompatibilities that you brushed to one side? Did you get involved too quickly before you knew enough about each other? Did either of you expect too much too soon?

Whatever happened, don’t take it all personally. Some things just aren’t meant to be, and getting a relationship off the ground in midlife can be complicated as we try and integrate a new person into already full lives. People hungry for love can get involved way too fast, and we can also be resistant to love due to past hurts. These stumbling blocks can cause relationships to falter in the early stages. If we’ve done what we can and the bond doesn’t stick, it’s usually all for the best.

When you’ve taken a bit of time to digest this short-lived romance, let it go and move on. Don’t waste any more time, and set up your next date!

PS (added February 2010)

Be discerning and pay attention: Rule One is to really listen to what your date tells you. One man told me he was bad at relationships, but he seemed so nice I thought I’d carry on dating him anyway. Big mistake! He was indeed bad at relating and not very interested in getting any better!

It’s easy to pour too much energy into trying to make something work that is actually a dead-end. I spent several months with a man I met through a newspaper ad who was lovely but had a very busy job and spent most of his little spare time with his grown-up children. All he really wanted was an occasional girlfriend, while I wanted a real partner. I kept thinking it would change, that he would open up, but eventually it dawned on me that he just didn’t want the relationship to develop. He liked it the way it was.

How to meet someone: While proactive dating (i.e. going for it directly via ads, the internet etc) can definitely work (and I know many couples who are a testament to this) it can also be a tiresome waste of time. I know just as many people who after a while get exhausted and fed up. If this is happening to you, don’t push the river. Instead, consider these three options:

1. You may actually be happy as you are, or not ready for whatever reasons (often due to existing commitments that take up your time and emotional energy). You are being very picky because subconsciously you don’t want to share your life with another adult at this point.

2. You have an emotional issue from the past that is getting in the way of being able to make a deep connection. See a counselor or therapist and get help.

3. If neither of these are the case, then consider the possibility that for you, proactive dating is simply not working. It might be a matter of destiny; it might be that you can’t get past the weirdness of blind dates. In either case, go for the like-minded option, and join some clubs and organizations where you will find people with whom you have something in common. That way you can get to know them without the hothouse pressure of a date. Whatever you do, maintain a state of calm optimism and keep socializing. For most of us, life is better when shared.

For more detailed information about dating and the early stages of midlife relationships, see Love Begins at 40

Copyright Lara Owen 2008-2010